what does it say when you try to help a friend but end up falling for him, what does that say that when that happen you lose all hope and faith and the friendship fall and it is in the past now, i have try to help my friend out and i did honstly did but for some reason we end up falling for achother, he had no place to stay and i end up letting him stay with me for 3 month and i was helping him out with moeny and makeing sure he eat, it just seem like i was just taking care of it, until we had a downfall he was not making any money for 3 week and i couldn't handle that and staying at my house was being a burden on other people so we both decided that he should quit the job he is at because he was notmakeing no money and that he should stay with his mom since they made up now and that was the last time we spoken, 3 month agos, and to understand that and to let go is one things that im going to do because he decided that i wasn;t worth anythings with all the stuff i did for him but i don't wish bad things for him i always wish the best. i learned my mistake and don't planned on letting that happen again to me.

back to the writing again, totally forgot i had this, i been so busy for the past couple month...it been a rough year but i got thur what i had to get thru, i finished school with a gpa of 3.75 so im excited about that i work part time as a medical assistant and i still have my other jobs as a computer tester, life seen to be good for me right now..i haven't found anyone to really let\them in my life at the moment but im ok with\ that..things are as good as it can be..i can believed it is getting close to thankgiving boy it is just going by very fast, can't wait for thankgiving.

it is like a rollar coaster for me right now, i been so occupied with school and work that i haven;t had time for anythings in my life, i ahven't really been worry about anythings, it been a few week since i have not updated anythings and im trying to get all this done it is very tiring, my body is getting weak and stuff, school going greta i love it finally got back into it and it helping me keep busy and not worry about my x, finally things are settling in for me, i doing good just took my 1st pop quiz and my 1st test did good on the pop quix 45 out of 50 not bad the test im not sure yet ahve't got that back yet...i learned form keeping busy it helping me heal my hearst sum ways because im not going thru the bull shit and not letting him get me down anymore and i to think i want to be with him again no, hell no, anyways what come around goes around and i deserve much better but things are getting good for me school is my main pirority right now and nothing more...it going to be a long rough yearsbhut im going to make it and do it, every time i come home im always so tired i go to school from 8 to 5 than work 11 to 7 and than homewokr that crazy but nayways my weekend hmmmmmmmmm not much im going to do sum homework maybe relaxx and sleep cause not getting much sleep and sum sleep, but it all good.....

i should be happy right, i mean i am, i got in to that school and im very excited can't wait to start, i was nervous and afraid i was not going to get in but i did, im happy about the school things, i start october 24 so that fast but at lease im finally getting where i need to get, i satrting school and changeing things now doing what is best for me...my mom saw this job place that me and her is going to go apply at, and im hoping that i can get this jobs cause that mean i could leave my job that i ahve and get aways from my ex because i know when i leave that place it would be better for me...i don't regret what i did, i don't regret anythings because i know i did him right but he did me wrong and i don't care anymore to the point that im running my life now, im not going to let him put me down anymore, i found out that during the time he was with me, he was also messing around with sum gurl when he was with me and that hurt and the sad parts is i think she pergnant 4 month, that hurt sumwut, but it over with and done with, i also saw him give a sign that he use to give to me with his hand , the love sign that he gave to me and is now giving to the other gurl he playing with, he aplayer and will always be a player, i hope he get what he want because i don't wnat it, i don't need him, he an ass hole and i hope he get what he deserve one day, i want him to feel my pain one day and he will, what come around goes around and it will, if he didn't care about me oh well, but now i got in school, im going to focus on that, he was not worth it to me anymore..i ahve no weekend this weekend that sux for me, i ahve to work over time 7 day omg i going to be so tired but the check will be good, but not looking forward to it but it get things pay,peopelat work or so stupid, whenb they are being lazy they don't wnat work and get mad at me and saying that im not working because they don't wnat to do shit, their stupid, sumtime i just wnat to scream but i won't i just stay quiet..im sitting here watching click, so i going to go finshed that, i am hopeing when school come and i satrt things will change for me, i don't need to be hurt naymore and i plan not to, i plan on being happy again and things will change i going change and do what i can to make things better for me...

i stop talking to eder my x, and it actually feel good, i mean i dont regret my decision but there sumtime i do miss him and i get the urge to go and talk to him or call him but i don't, i fight it, i try to stay strong,i lost his friendship and i lost his love but that was not the choice i made, but my love will always be with him, but why do i want him, he had hurt me so many time that he don't deserve anything back, especally me, he make me mad sumtime but you know what im not going to let it get me down, because i am better than that...i still ahven't forgiving him and maybe that is why im haveing a hard time letting go or maybe it just all the past i had with him, i dunno, but what i ahve with him have been lost because of his choice and mine, my choice was to saty aways and end all ties and i don;t regret that decision amnd his choice was to play soccer na dhave no commitment with me at all, and im fine with that becasue that his choice and i not going to fight it, but seeing him everyday at work is so hard on me, it hurt to see him and knowing that he is messing around with sum other gurl for fun..i need another job, i need to get out there when i do i think, it will be better if i move on and start fresh aways from him, he made me think differnt things now about him, he not the person i though he was,i try and i try to make things right but he don't wnat anything to do with me, even when we are nto together he always find aways just to hurt me, why would you do thta, it so stupid, but he always does, i do miss him but i guess it just one of those feeling i get knowing that he not around anymore but at lease now i know how he is and waht he is,i doing good, i ahven't talk to him for almost two week so i am very proud of myself, im going to keep fighting and not give up or any urges...work was good, it was long though, but at lease we made our goals at work, im just about beat right now...i ahve a meeting at southwest doctor school tommorrow im excited maybe that the plan for me to get in to school, i dunno, i am so nervous i really want to get in there and start and graduated....time have is way to come and make thinsg better, eventually things will all come together for me and i hope it does.

My weekend was as peaceful as can be and i love it because i was not all sad about what have been going on, about my x, school and everythings that has been going wrong, im fighting and im getting thru it and feeling much better than i can imagin, i look things on the bright side, things happen for a reason but that reason is unknow, im a good person and i deserve to be love in a ways i should be i should not be deserving to be treating like any way that i don't want to, i always think im a good person and i could take care of myself,i never needed him, i can take care of myself, if he can't see that oh well, it is ahrds for me to trust people but i learned from my experience because most guys who ask me out, i am very care ful on what i say yes or no because most of them who ask me out all they want is a botty call and i not going to get into that, im a good person and deserve beter, let see saturday, i went to this festival for the laos community it was fun, i saw sum people that i haven't seen for such a long time, it was actually nice to get out, i was glad i went, there was a pagent, everyone like why were you not in it, i just told them im not into it but they say you should just once nbext time we have it i told them i think about it, the pagent was good, the food was good i had fun, and while i was there i prayed and everythings and the monk bless me and everything it made me feel better when they did that, im belived in my culture when they do that it my belief the same way i believd in god but there sumthing i believd that they don;y do right but i still try to follow it a smuch as i can, i was raised to belief in faith and peace and harmony and i paln to take that forward in my life, not take anything for chance things happen and we get over it as long as you have belief things will work out for the best...there was things where we sailed like a paper boats and lit it and prayed than make a wish and let it go so i made a wish i dunno if it work but well see...if it doesn't i know that things will eventually get better for me one days, it just the time that will show..im doing good, im being strong and fighting....that was saturday, not much sunday, just clean and did sum errand cause i ahve to work sunday night it bite, my lil cousin spent over at my house, and my whole upsatair is messing and i spent cleaning it, he even drew on my wall can you believe that but he cute thoughts, it all good, hopefully next time he come over he won't write on my wall...

take pride what u have
don't let anyone bring you down
power is what you can give
but love you can give more
if they can't see that
than they were not worth the time to deal with
if they don't know how special you are
than they are not worth the time

friday finally here, i am so tired, i ahven't slept since i came home in the morning, i couldn't sleep, so pertty much i was up for hour and hours, since i was up i went to do sum stuff with my sister and spent almost 200 doller on this dam little gurl cause saturday is her homecoming and she was borke, we went to get her nail down and toes and her eye borw and she got a very nice dress, and of course she got sum more stuff for more homecoming things geeze what a day, but than i also got my nail and toe and eyebrow done, i think i needed and glad i wnet to get sum papmpering, it was chill, we got home about 5 pm and i crash out all the sudden i would have still been a sleep if my dumb ass siter didn't call to wait me up for what reason, no reason at all, i woke up i see my lil cousin downsatir, i didn't know he was sleeping over, it funny, i dunno lately he been wanting to come over and spent the night with us and stuff so it cool, right now he sitting on the floor drawing, knowing him he has all amrker every where...

i am doing my best to take charge of my life, when everythings in the world seem to fall apart in one close motion. this week was a good week not too bad, work was ok not as bad as i thought, i was feeling calm and peace ful, i mean my x pist me of becuase kowing him, he just want to, he does thing on purpose so i say sumthing to him, like to days,i think he mess up my boards on purpose so i yell at him and we get in an argument, but i didn;t, it was not worth the yelling, i just said pay attention to what your doing and that all i said, he know that i been egtting ask out alots now that he seem people at work asking me out and he know it, i think he saw me giving my number to sum guys who ask to hang out with me and i think that pist him of more,what is to say why u gonna get mad, im free to do what i want, it like if he can;t have me he dont want anyone to ahve me, just want me to be sad, that not going to happen, im moving on with or without him, i don't deserve someone like him and he don';t deserve me, it ture things will always come back to haunt you, what goes around come around and i believe that, i know my right guys is out there it just not him,, trying to get that thru my head...he a jerk and ass and i keeping reminding myself why he not worth my time, and it work it help me get thru the days and actually feel good that im not with him...he chose what he want and that soccer and wasn;t me, can;t make time for me so why do i bother and i shouldn't bother with all the things he done to me i keep telling myself what he did and how he is..and all the mistake he make, and all the time i forgive it isn;t going to happen when eveventually one day he realize what he does, and him beening immature cause he just wnat me to be mad or say sumthing, why whoese know but it not going to work i haven't said anything to him for a whole week or said hi or call him or work related and that it, but not often it was yesterday it was work related cause his line was down so he had to work on my line...i refuese to let someone like him get me down, i refuse for that to happen im taking control and turst me i am

losing a friend is one things
losing a love one is one things
but losing both things is a loss
but if that person doesn;t care
than you shouldn't care either
loss is what happen
it is intended for it to be that ways
seaprating ur feeling for it purpose
let go someone and never look back
don't look back cause if u look back
you will get hurt more
when someone see somthing more important
it time to say good bye
don't look back for no reason
goodbye to everythings we have
the past is the past
don't look back
if he didn't care that he never did
but to give up eveyrthing for one things
and letting go one things
well so be it
it the choice that a person made and he must live with it
goodbye and odn't look back
don't take another course of action to be taken likely
if he realize what he did
it made be too late
but i would never ever let it be like this again
goodbye till the end
if he come back it emant to be
but if not so be it cause i don't deserve this
if u can't make time to call me out of the 24 hours in a day
than there nothinsg worth talking about

i guess sumtime i think that things are falling apart for me, but it isn't, it just im going thru sum hard time, my hearts hurt so much that sumtime it just feel like the end of the world but it isn't, i guess for sum reason im holding on is he know me better than anyone else, he know how i am, i been there for him and he was there form the day i move here and i guess he was the first person to come in my life to help me thru my crisis but it like i letting go but i must because he never care and that what i think now that he never did, sometime it is hard to say if he did or not from his action...one things that bother me is he telling me he respect me but he isn't showing me respect he just doing thing to irritated me why would you do that, and knowing how he goes he probadly isn;t going pay back the money he owe me, he went thru thick and thin for him and i get nothings out of it, the moeny isn't important, it just when you see him everyday it so hards when we have to work together and everythings, and it like we both know that things have change because he did it and we can;t overcome it if u can't even respect me like tyou say but u do this, what am i suppose to believd, i just don;t want to let go but ow letting go is my way of saying goodbye cause i don't need this...i done what i can to show but if doesn;t see that he doesn;t and plus than i look down the long run it wouldn't work anyways becasue his family wouldn't approve anyway and he always agree with than and might as well let this go down in falme, talking to him is out of tthe question right now...

when i got of work this morning, i was cryimg just for no appartly reason well, maybe there is a reason, i saw the real truth i saw how he is i saw how he is acting and i just feel like the two years was not worth anything, sometime im actually ok thru the week until the end of the week and than i just start getting upset, but the honest thruth i think there a reason why im not with him, maybe im not suppose to be with him, maybe he wasn't right for me, if he didn't treat me right why should i care and take it, because i deserve better, things happen for a reason, and this intending must be for a reason, maybe it nto him, maybe it is him but im not willing to get over him and killing myself just to figure that out, god intended for everything to happen for a reason and this reason i don't really understand, he can't even be thruthful wuth me but he is willing to test me to make me mad, the same reason with that gurl he messing and trust me once a playeralways a player and plus to hnest truth i know that he already mesisng with two more other gurl why would i want to stick with that someone who give shit, but the things that get me is i don't understand why he go thru all this stuff with me but always just end up needing me back again cause knowing his silly game he does miss me but just in reality i just not good enough for and him and there never be a future sometime i just want to sok someone but that just me being angry at what he did...i guess in my heart i believd he a good person but just need lots of growing up but sometime it come to point when i see them he just doing it on purpose i mean i haven't spoken to him for one week and it actually ok but i do miss him but he not willing to talk to me but he want to test me, trust me i have a talk with that gurl he messing around cause she came up to me and ask for help at work, i told her im willing to help you but that it this is work but outside work we have nothing to talk about,but that a lies one you do not want to see me on my bad side, im not a good person to test turst me...if leaveing him to dsut is what i ahve to do than i must, like eveyrone sya love come back if it was ture even if it take the other half to figure that out , it made be too late or it may not but loveing someone i take to hearts an dturst me i paln on nto getting hurt like this again, my turst factor had sky rocket down ..i haven;t even pick up the phone to call him all week and that a satndard for me because i usally do it once a week but you know what i am nto going to put myself thru that, if you care someone you are willing to check on them no matter how busy your life is, and him doing thingson purpose to pist me of and get me angry is not how i wnat it to be i staill wnat us to be friend but we can't he can't even be mature about him and say hi to me and i am not the want who left why am i gonna try when he give shit rat ass about me. that how i feel now, i really dunno no if he did care about me or not i don't have any more faith in that, it just all change when his action to forwards well anyways about that, geeze christ, it finally the weekend, and i got pay and i am borke as fuk so many bill, so many things to do, i finally got my car bak form the shop and it actually look good but nto i ahve to clean the inside, and wash it but im not sure if i wash it this weekend i want to but it may rain so i dunno, what a shocker weekend and it might rain man that suck ass....i so lazy right now but i know i must get my shit down before i won't get to it todays..

despair is a heartaches
that i don't wnat to endure anymore
when that feeling goes aways
it be the one happiest place you ever want to be
knowing what the turth was and wasn't
made things more complicated
all i want is the turth
was it all lies
i felt betrays
i felt hurt
but i also feel that if ur meant to be that love one will come back
if not than not
what if that person come back
would u wnat that person back
that love is hard to test
every time i see him, my hearts break
how can i see him and move on
i see him everyday and it like aching to the point i can;t satnd it
but if he didn't see what he had in front of him
than so be it
do i befriend him or leave him dust to dry

what a day? it been a long long day, im so glads i got of work now, let me tell you what happen at work, people these day are stupid, i have my own set of line to operate, but when i go to lunch there is no one to convr the station, so the other line that isn't my line came to get sum boards but they garb the wrong one on the wrong wrack, how can you do that, can't they read, i was so pist because if something goes wronmg it is on me, i hate that and than when we got back up and told them to come and get sum boards they wouldn't and that pist me of, geeze sumtime this work kill me and i hate all the bull shits, another day i didn't talk to my x, but what made me saD IS WHAT I saw him wearing, the gift that i gave him, geeze why would he wear that, i would have thrown in a box or sumthing like i did to all his stuff...i dunno, sometime i just don't understand anymore, i miss him but know i rather not go thru this again, anyways my friend gave me her invitation for her baby shower and sum other people that i have to give to and that include him tommorrow maybe i just give it to him and not say anything or get someone else to give it to him becasue im not ready to talk to him yet..shit i get home and mai mom start bitching about my car when it is gonna be ready how the hell am i suppose to know, when it get done it will, sometime these day can't get any worse....

how do i see the good in a person
im a type of person i see good in and everyone
but i guess i was worng about my x
i thought he was differnt
that why i open my heart to him
and when i did he just took it and tear it aways from me
it hurt to know he made not even care about me
or maybe he does
but to know and see him everyday hurt me more than i can say
i see him to the point that sumtime i can't take it anymore
but i have to be strong and fight
i made it one whole day without talking to him
and it actually feel great
i saw him with another gurl after work
he just did that so i would say something
because he know i don't like it
but i didn't give him the satisfaction
why would someone intentionally hurt you when they know how you feel about them and that i believed that he did care and love me
how can i see the good
when he does this over and over
i always set myself up for this
im not going to anymore
im not gonna cry
he is not worth the energy anymore
im better than that
it is hards
but i am gonna fight to get past this
like everyone say what goes around come around

farewell is not goodbye
im saying farewell to the one person who i love
who understand me
just farewell to the fact that im hurting inside
i have to let go
cause his dream is the happiness i want for him
im shutting him out completely
i think it is better for now
shutting him out and giving him space
it be better for me and my heart just to say farewell
forgive and forget
im done with the hurting and the crying
i want it no more
it farewell for now
i going to fight to make it to 3month
without contacting him or anythings
i want those feeling to go aways
so saying farewell and giveing him what he want
so he made a choice and that choice was not me
it was his sport so i have to let go
maybe our path will cross agian maybe not
or maybe i made meet someone new in the time im focusing on me
i giveing him sapce and that is the hardest things i could do
is to say good bye for now
i wnat to be there but i can't
it hurt too much
so saying farewell for now

i always believd is someone really love you they will come back and make things right between you, love will never disapperred that fast if you say i love you and you mean it,if love suppose to be it will come back to you
love will always be in that person hearts, to think that u never be with that someone is ways of life, but to know down the road maybe path will cross again, but time can only tell when u say goodbye n let go
my love for him strong
so in order to just let go i must let go everything completely involving him
meaning sacarficing my friendship and everythings with him
he has no time for me, not even a callnow
so i can do that anymore
i must let him go

i sit here
and being said
what can i do to take the pain aways
nothings
every sadness is gone in my hearts
mt hearts is say goodbye now
all the sadness is still there
but i must learned to move on
i hate haveing sadness
but it take time to have that hearts heal again
what must i do
sadness is in my hearts
i wish it would just go aways

to have love someone
is to let go
to forget the past
to let happiness be what is never forgotten
love is sacred
to remember the memories you have together
if you come back you were meant to be
love is a test
that you must pass
to understand what you want
let go is a final goodbye
for now
goodbye to the past
a new start future
where you take control of ur life now

well things could have not got any worse for me, it was the end of the week and i should be haveing a great day right, no i was wrong, i mean it all satrted of fine i got a check that was a good amount and i was thrill and when i coming back from the bank, i got in a car accident i could not belived it i just got my car fixed, i think what the fuck why this again, i was at a red light stop fully and someone hit me from behind i was so pist, she said that her foot accently slip and hit the gas padel while she cough and my dam bumber oh shit dam im so mad can't believd it, another one and all this drama again , i so mad i just got my car fixe, beside th fact im pist my lower back hurt like shit but other that the school or program i am trying to get in is just not working with me things couldn't get any worse right, i saw my x and we were haveing a good time until he just started saying that he won't be seeing me for a while cause soccer is starting to get full ahead for the next 6 month that even mean not talking to me for a while so that mean just shit, he like remeber that we are not dateing but i care about you but we are not together, than why did we go thru all this for nothing, but it ok you no, i rather know now than later, i guess it pist me of about what he said but to know that i can't make him happy because he has one things on his mind than so be it, he like said we will still talk, i like sure when i see it i believd it, im tiring of being support it..things need to stop now and it is, im done, no more, it over and done with..i can't deal with him anymore it got to that point, he could do what he want...he seem to be happy that what he said..but i feel like somethings still upseting him but he is nto telling me but not my business anymore, i guess that it no more im done...

Sometime i lie here and think is it healthy to be with someone that you care about but no he si going to end up losing him, there time i can;t sleep because i do worry about when that time come we have to say goodbye, the closer he get the hurter im getting, i thought keeping my distance would be better but still the same , no matter if i keep my distance or don;t im losing the one person who know me as me and who love me for who i am, but i can't be more happy for him than i am now,he getting clse to his dream, to me i can;t give him what he want but i know that this is his dream that he must do and to know that im losing him and maybe be last time i ever be able to speak and see him again when that time come, i thought spending what time we have together will be good but every time we spenmt together we get even closer, i don't if being with him is healthy, loving him is like a miricle cause we been thoru so much together in two years but always end up back in to achother arms and it is hard to belived that soon he going be leaveing me and i guess im hurting more than i can relaize because i think i won;t ever get to see him, i mean i know there other guys out there but i love him so much that it just hurt to know he be gone soon..to i distance myself or spent as much as time i can with him, i don't wnat him to make a choice,i want him happy, and what make him happy is going to europe to be a pro...

i was so glad that i had the three day labor day, it gave me sum time to think and take care of things i needed to finish up, my parant they went to forthworth i decide to saty here cause i hate the long drive and plus i got to go next week to a car show so i just waited, i stay home with my sister and boy she went crazy so many teenage running around , they kept me up all night and they sleep until the morning how crazy is that, what surpirsed me the most is i got a present from my x he got me want of those electronic organizer i can;t belived he did that he got so i could be organized for school, we spent sum time togther just talking and i guess it like it a ture love things but also know that he gonna leave one day and it will hurt both of us when that time come, his dream is to be that one big soccer player and i support him with all my will but to know im supporting someone but losing him it hurt but it waht he want and i have to be there knowing one day i will be pepare but for right now it one day at a time trying to spent what time or what we have left with one another..my heart well always be one for him there always a miraicle of faith that things will work out for the best, maybe this is just a sacarfieced that we must go thru to grow up and learned...i always think if he did make it big i would be very happy for him that he is happy and that what matter most,

i love someone so much
to loath and wonder where it will go
will he leave
and forget me with all the might
will he love me till the end
will our soul and heart make it thru anythings
will we lose what have and not understand
that we had a good things
but he happy in the world that he dream of
you must let go and learned to accept the
fate that came with it
maybe one day we will cross path again
maybe not
but as lease we know how things went
to accept everything that come our way